After an intense high speed chase, an officer finally gets the lawbreaker to pull over."You know," says the cop, "I was originally pulling you over to tell you your taillight is out. Why the hell did you take off like that?""Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back."


As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"


Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.


It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.


A man on a bike, carrying two saddlebags, was stopped by a guard while crossing the US-Mexican border. He had rigged up a primitive rope bridge to by-pass the customs control.'What's in the bags? demanded the guard.'Sand,' the cyclist answered.'Take them off. I need to take a look.' retorted the guard.The guard emptied the bags and found out they contained nothing but sand. The man reloaded his bags and continued across the border. A week later, the same man was crossing again with two more bags. The guard demanded to see them, and again they contained nothing but sand. This continued every week for six months, until one day the cyclist failed to appear. A few days later, that same guard ran into the cyclist in Tijuana.'Hey, where have you been?' the guard enquired. 'You sure had us wondering. We knew you were smuggling something across the border. So tell me and I won't say a word. What was it?'The man smiled broadly and told him the truth, 'Bicycles!'

In Merlin's Shadow #1 by Jeff and Mary Strong

"We had to come Dad. I told you we have to do a paper for science. I don't see why you have to make it such a big deal!" Roxanne screamed right before she slammed the car door for further emphasis of her displeasure.
After the car sped away Elizabeth spoke.
"What's up with your father, Roxanne? Stressed over the move here?"
"He's always like that, Elizabeth." Roxanne answered with her face growing increasingly redder from her anger, embarrassment and frustration.
"He hates me. He has always hated me. Roxanne directed her gaze toward the pavement unconsciously trying to hold back years of pent up tears and then into Elizabeth's eyes consciously. Roxanne did not want to appear broken in anyway to this new friend.
"Come on, Roxanne, I'm sure he doesn't hate you." Elizabeth smiled hoping to seem the comforting and supportive friend. Elizabeth feared that she had befriended Roxanne against her better judgment. Everyone in school said Roxanne was freaky and odd. She wore flannel shirts and blue jeans to school every day. She never wore makeup or anything sexy and kept to herself in very odd ways. But Elizabeth decided after last Sunday's sermon to befriend someone who was obviously difficult to love and Roxanne came first to mind. She wanted to be like Jesus to love the lowly and down trodden.
"He has hated me for years Elizabeth and I want to apologize for his rude behavior toward you." Roxanne said and turned toward the library.
"We're here to research right?" Roxanne said.
Elizabeth darted to the door. She was embarrassed by Roxanne's Dad's behavior to her in the car but wanted to try and cover it up until she could talk to her friends about it. It would make interesting conversation.
"Let me." Elizabeth smiled as she opened the door for Roxanne to enter.
"Thanks." Roxanne smiled genuinely. "You make me feel special."
"Announcing Queen Roxanne!" Elizabeth heralded with a forced smile.
Roxanne returned the smile genuinely and lifted her head to appear the more regal. "Wouldn't it be nice if I was a real queen." Roxanne said as she entered convincing Elizabeth that this friendship could never work. Not even Jesus could expect it of her.
Elizabeth caught up to Roxanne quickly because Roxanne upon entering had stopped walking and literally had her nose in the air.
Elizabeth more convinced now than ever of the oddness of Roxanne decided she didn't want to be seen to near this person again.
"Do you smell that?" Roxanne asked clutching Elizabeth's arm.
Margaret the lead cheerleader had just walked in and had to squeeze around Roxanne to get in and of coarse saw Elizabeth with the odd new girl. Elizabeth felt horrified.
"Books?" Elizabeth said trying to break Roxanne's clutch of her arm.
"No, Elizabeth." Roxanne said. "It's something else it's like..."
Roxanne searched for the words as she inhaled deeply again. Now an old man had to squeeze around her to get out the door. She was completely oblivious to anything other than her nose. "It's chocolate. Yes It's chocolate." Roxanne said firmly.
"No!" She squeezed Elizabeth's struggling arm tighter and pulled her uncomfortably close. "it's like rose petals after a summer rain. No! Elizabeth!" she said and whispered into Elizabeth's ear. “It's like wood smoke. You know like when a neighbor burns leaves and wood in their yard."
Roxanne finally released Elizabeth's arm and inhaled again. Now Roxanne clutched her own arms around herself.
"No, it's more like lavender. Yes I'm certain it's lavender. That's it!" she announced firmly finally opening her eyes and looking into the surprised and uncomfortable eyes of Elizabeth.
"Are you completely mad, Roxanne?" Elizabeth asked quite seriously.
Roxanne inhaled.
"You're right, Elizabeth. I must be mad. It's nothing like lavender it's citrus. Is that what you think?" Roxanne smiled again a Cheshire cat kind of smile to no one at all and inhaled.
"But then again Elizabeth? Cedar?" Roxanne directed her attention to Elizabeth again momentarily. "What do you think, Elizabeth?
"I think we came to research this thing about symbiosis and we are supposed to have a list of symbiotic relationships for tomorrow. So, let's move on, Please?"
Roxanne and Elizabeth walked together until they reached the steps which led to the children's section. Roxanne stopped and looked up toward the top.
"That's the kid section. We need to go over there." Elizabeth said gesturing ahead of them with a nod.
Roxanne completely ignored Elizabeth. "It's coming from up there." Roxanne climbed the steps and Elizabeth took the opportunity to distance herself and headed for the adult section.
Roxanne didn't even notice that Elizabeth was not with her. She was intoxicated by the fragrance and had to discover it's source. "This must be what it's like for a honey bee" She said aloud to no one. And since she was now at the top of the steps headed towards what she hoped would be the source of that fragrance.
Roxanne's nose was too high in the air to see that from behind a row of book shelves perpendicular to her flight a large foot was about to jut out and collide with her foot and thus she tripped.
"Yikes!" she exclaimed as she realized she was falling. And all eyes turned in her direction.
But the owner of the foot was quick and his arms jutted out just in time to catch Roxanne right before she struck the floor. His beefy hands closed on her arms to lift her and
the honey bee found her flower and both their lives changed forever.

Major Church Bulletin Oops

-The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals
-The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
-Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
-Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
-The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
-Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
-Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
-Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I Will Not Pass This Way Again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
-For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
-Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
-The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
-Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
-At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
-Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
-Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
-Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
-The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
-Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - Prayer and medication to follow.
-The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
-Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the BS is done.
-The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
-Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
-The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
-Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.
-The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'

To My Alarm Clock, © By Amy F. Baker

Every morning I lie there innocently sleeping
When the peace is ruptured by a horrible beeping.
My serenity ripped asunder, sudden and drastic
By this evil, demonic, red-eyed piece of plastic.

I roll over in pain and pound on the snooze,
Groaning, moaning, thinking 'What's there to lose?'
'Don't make me get up, just nine minutes more.
'The same thing I've said every morning before.

It's not that I hate mornings or dread the new day.
It's just that I loathe waking up in this way.
I'd much rather simply rise up with the light,
Glowing in the window, chasing away the night.

But the sudden screaming, the incessant fuss,
Makes me want to yell and cry and simply to cuss.
Especially the knowledge that all of my sorrow
Will be repeated the same time, same way, tomorrow.

Editorial- Feb 2009

February
It's actually beyond the appropriate time to think about ordering seeds for the spring garden and the summer plants. The high school called the other day to see if I would be part of their annual early horticulture class, which gives me access to the greenhouse, where the students make sure my plants are watered through the week. Last year I attended this class and really enjoyed it. The camaraderie of the mostly lady fellow students digging in tidy bags of dirt was pleasant, and folks shared seeds and seedlings readily. I brought home far more than I planted!
The temperatures are expected to hit 16 again this week, and we just got out from under a week of frozen water lines and drain lines. Daily life is much more pleasant when the clean water flows in and the used water flows out, but after living off the grid for all those years, we handle these minor inconveniences easily and have figured out ways to keep the usual routines going in spite of them. And we had additional help in the fixing this year, for which I'm thankful. We might make some progress now!
Those two paragraphs tie in with the thoughts of preparation and living in the moment. They both work together in a functional balance. I'm here, now, living in the anticipation of the Lord's appearance, and I'm busy laying up treasure in heaven. But I'm also here now, living today and enjoying the moment. While I'm not always doing the balance right in the garden or the water lines - as in, with some advance preparation, we'd have never noticed the cold weather's potential effect on our house systems, and the weeds in the garden got ahead of me last year (again), I hope I'm doing the living part right. Water lines don't disturb me whether they are frozen or working, although working is certainly more convenient! There's still always the grocery store for vegetables if my ideals of growing most of our own food fail (as it did last year) and I can always work toward improving the garden planning and working harder or smarter. But life is full of joy and anticipation, day by day. Until the Lord steps in with something else wonderful, which He does so beautifully from time to time, it's hard to think how it could be better!
I hope this finds you all well!

Super James #14

Crashing into a hedge is not a pleasant experience, which you would know if you ever experienced it. Thus, my mood was not overly improved by the time I had worked myself out of it.
Attaching the video camera firmly on my head I turned towards the house once more. P.T., Marc and Dave were halfway across the enormous lawn by now. I carefully adjusted the angle of the camera to catch them in the best light.
Then I noticed something odd. The men were splitting up. Marc and Dave took off running to the left and right, crouching low to the ground, and P.T. kept a steady pace straight for the mansion's imposing door.
I started panicking. How was I supposed to film three different locations, with the same camera, at the same time! I decided then and there that this would not end tears for the Snot family. I swore on my very soul itself that I would do all in my power to keep each hair on the kitten's heads from getting harmed.
That meant that I would have to pick off the guys individually.
I closed my eyes as determination folded over me like a cloak. Then I opened them, and found my first target: Dave.
He had taken the right path, and was making good time with his long legs. Quietly and tearfully I ripped my cape into long strands of ribbon and took off after him. I knew the cape would have rathered flying behind me for the rest of it’s days but at least it could go out with honor. A life in exchange for the greater good.
And then I flew.
Flew with all the speed I had ever had, and moving so quickly that I was a mere blur, I tripped Dave. When he fell to the ground I worked quickly. First I shoved a strip into his mouth, as he was trying to spit it out I tied his hands. Then I flipped him over and wrapped another strip of my lovely yellow cape around his mouth to hold in the gag. He was aware of what was going on now, and terrified. His wide eyes stared up at me, tears leaking out of the corners. He wasn’t fighting yet, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t later, so I tied his legs for good measure.
Dave still hadn’t moved, and the tears were getting faster. Humans are like female dogs. You don’t understand them, but you love them all the same. Silly man. I licked his nose to reassure him and turned my bloodshot eyes to the next target.
Get ready Marc!