Super James #15

The Mansion stood like a giant against the dark of the night. The lone porch-light glowed eerily out, as if to great the catnappers heading for it. No one know that I was out here in the cold, trying to rid the world of evil. If I disappeared my little Donna wouldn’t now where to look. The beautiful Lady Grace would never get a chance to fall in love with me. But that was the life that I had chosen. I had chosen to be alone on my quest, and now I was here, here in this stormy night, against the two last men. I found my next target and flew closer.
Marc was creeping along the edge of the hedge. His eyes were locked firmly on the towering building ahead, and you could almost see all the second-thoughts racing across his face. It wouldn't take much to make a man whose hands are shaking like a leaf in the fall leave and never return (unless possible for a chapter in the sequel.)
So carefully, oh so carefully I crept behind him. He was shouldering a large pack filled with ropes and hook and lock picks. I pulled at the knots holding the straps together, it gave a little. I did the same to the other.
The knots started untying and faster than you could say 'a fat, juicy hamburger with mayo, ketchup, onions, tomatoes, lettuce, and twice the cheese, please' the pack fell off.
Marc started, his eyes wide and all sorts of freaked out. He grabbed at the ends of the straps and started muttering insults so bad that I really hoped that the ties wouldn’t hold together. How can you be so low down that you’d call a pour straps mother that! But those strings had had enough, they wouldn’t hold, or even try to hold.
While Marc was still trying to fix his pack, I snuck up behind him, and with a handy tree limb knocked him up-side the head. He fell like bird poop, straight down and with a little splat in the damp ground.
I tied his hands with my last strip of cape.
Then I was off my eyes zooming to the figure of my archenemy. There he was, about to steal away all those sadistic little kittens. And only I could stop him.

After an intense high speed chase, an officer finally gets the lawbreaker to pull over."You know," says the cop, "I was originally pulling you over to tell you your taillight is out. Why the hell did you take off like that?""Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back."


As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"


Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.


It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.


A man on a bike, carrying two saddlebags, was stopped by a guard while crossing the US-Mexican border. He had rigged up a primitive rope bridge to by-pass the customs control.'What's in the bags? demanded the guard.'Sand,' the cyclist answered.'Take them off. I need to take a look.' retorted the guard.The guard emptied the bags and found out they contained nothing but sand. The man reloaded his bags and continued across the border. A week later, the same man was crossing again with two more bags. The guard demanded to see them, and again they contained nothing but sand. This continued every week for six months, until one day the cyclist failed to appear. A few days later, that same guard ran into the cyclist in Tijuana.'Hey, where have you been?' the guard enquired. 'You sure had us wondering. We knew you were smuggling something across the border. So tell me and I won't say a word. What was it?'The man smiled broadly and told him the truth, 'Bicycles!'

In Merlin's Shadow #1 by Jeff and Mary Strong

"We had to come Dad. I told you we have to do a paper for science. I don't see why you have to make it such a big deal!" Roxanne screamed right before she slammed the car door for further emphasis of her displeasure.
After the car sped away Elizabeth spoke.
"What's up with your father, Roxanne? Stressed over the move here?"
"He's always like that, Elizabeth." Roxanne answered with her face growing increasingly redder from her anger, embarrassment and frustration.
"He hates me. He has always hated me. Roxanne directed her gaze toward the pavement unconsciously trying to hold back years of pent up tears and then into Elizabeth's eyes consciously. Roxanne did not want to appear broken in anyway to this new friend.
"Come on, Roxanne, I'm sure he doesn't hate you." Elizabeth smiled hoping to seem the comforting and supportive friend. Elizabeth feared that she had befriended Roxanne against her better judgment. Everyone in school said Roxanne was freaky and odd. She wore flannel shirts and blue jeans to school every day. She never wore makeup or anything sexy and kept to herself in very odd ways. But Elizabeth decided after last Sunday's sermon to befriend someone who was obviously difficult to love and Roxanne came first to mind. She wanted to be like Jesus to love the lowly and down trodden.
"He has hated me for years Elizabeth and I want to apologize for his rude behavior toward you." Roxanne said and turned toward the library.
"We're here to research right?" Roxanne said.
Elizabeth darted to the door. She was embarrassed by Roxanne's Dad's behavior to her in the car but wanted to try and cover it up until she could talk to her friends about it. It would make interesting conversation.
"Let me." Elizabeth smiled as she opened the door for Roxanne to enter.
"Thanks." Roxanne smiled genuinely. "You make me feel special."
"Announcing Queen Roxanne!" Elizabeth heralded with a forced smile.
Roxanne returned the smile genuinely and lifted her head to appear the more regal. "Wouldn't it be nice if I was a real queen." Roxanne said as she entered convincing Elizabeth that this friendship could never work. Not even Jesus could expect it of her.
Elizabeth caught up to Roxanne quickly because Roxanne upon entering had stopped walking and literally had her nose in the air.
Elizabeth more convinced now than ever of the oddness of Roxanne decided she didn't want to be seen to near this person again.
"Do you smell that?" Roxanne asked clutching Elizabeth's arm.
Margaret the lead cheerleader had just walked in and had to squeeze around Roxanne to get in and of coarse saw Elizabeth with the odd new girl. Elizabeth felt horrified.
"Books?" Elizabeth said trying to break Roxanne's clutch of her arm.
"No, Elizabeth." Roxanne said. "It's something else it's like..."
Roxanne searched for the words as she inhaled deeply again. Now an old man had to squeeze around her to get out the door. She was completely oblivious to anything other than her nose. "It's chocolate. Yes It's chocolate." Roxanne said firmly.
"No!" She squeezed Elizabeth's struggling arm tighter and pulled her uncomfortably close. "it's like rose petals after a summer rain. No! Elizabeth!" she said and whispered into Elizabeth's ear. “It's like wood smoke. You know like when a neighbor burns leaves and wood in their yard."
Roxanne finally released Elizabeth's arm and inhaled again. Now Roxanne clutched her own arms around herself.
"No, it's more like lavender. Yes I'm certain it's lavender. That's it!" she announced firmly finally opening her eyes and looking into the surprised and uncomfortable eyes of Elizabeth.
"Are you completely mad, Roxanne?" Elizabeth asked quite seriously.
Roxanne inhaled.
"You're right, Elizabeth. I must be mad. It's nothing like lavender it's citrus. Is that what you think?" Roxanne smiled again a Cheshire cat kind of smile to no one at all and inhaled.
"But then again Elizabeth? Cedar?" Roxanne directed her attention to Elizabeth again momentarily. "What do you think, Elizabeth?
"I think we came to research this thing about symbiosis and we are supposed to have a list of symbiotic relationships for tomorrow. So, let's move on, Please?"
Roxanne and Elizabeth walked together until they reached the steps which led to the children's section. Roxanne stopped and looked up toward the top.
"That's the kid section. We need to go over there." Elizabeth said gesturing ahead of them with a nod.
Roxanne completely ignored Elizabeth. "It's coming from up there." Roxanne climbed the steps and Elizabeth took the opportunity to distance herself and headed for the adult section.
Roxanne didn't even notice that Elizabeth was not with her. She was intoxicated by the fragrance and had to discover it's source. "This must be what it's like for a honey bee" She said aloud to no one. And since she was now at the top of the steps headed towards what she hoped would be the source of that fragrance.
Roxanne's nose was too high in the air to see that from behind a row of book shelves perpendicular to her flight a large foot was about to jut out and collide with her foot and thus she tripped.
"Yikes!" she exclaimed as she realized she was falling. And all eyes turned in her direction.
But the owner of the foot was quick and his arms jutted out just in time to catch Roxanne right before she struck the floor. His beefy hands closed on her arms to lift her and
the honey bee found her flower and both their lives changed forever.

Major Church Bulletin Oops

-The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals
-The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
-Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
-Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
-The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
-Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
-Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
-Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I Will Not Pass This Way Again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
-For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
-Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
-The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
-Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
-At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
-Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
-Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
-Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
-The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
-Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - Prayer and medication to follow.
-The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
-Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the BS is done.
-The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
-Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
-The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
-Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.
-The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'