After an intense high speed chase, an officer finally gets the lawbreaker to pull over."You know," says the cop, "I was originally pulling you over to tell you your taillight is out. Why the hell did you take off like that?""Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back."


As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"


Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.


It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.


A man on a bike, carrying two saddlebags, was stopped by a guard while crossing the US-Mexican border. He had rigged up a primitive rope bridge to by-pass the customs control.'What's in the bags? demanded the guard.'Sand,' the cyclist answered.'Take them off. I need to take a look.' retorted the guard.The guard emptied the bags and found out they contained nothing but sand. The man reloaded his bags and continued across the border. A week later, the same man was crossing again with two more bags. The guard demanded to see them, and again they contained nothing but sand. This continued every week for six months, until one day the cyclist failed to appear. A few days later, that same guard ran into the cyclist in Tijuana.'Hey, where have you been?' the guard enquired. 'You sure had us wondering. We knew you were smuggling something across the border. So tell me and I won't say a word. What was it?'The man smiled broadly and told him the truth, 'Bicycles!'

Major Church Bulletin Oops

-The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals
-The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
-Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
-Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
-The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
-Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
-Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
-Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I Will Not Pass This Way Again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
-For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
-Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
-The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
-Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
-At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
-Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
-Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
-Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
-The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
-Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - Prayer and medication to follow.
-The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
-Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the BS is done.
-The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
-Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
-The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
-Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.
-The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'